John M. Gerber
Dialogue is an overused and much abused term for a
very specific means of communication that we rarely employ effectively
today. Dialogue is a mindful
communications process that helps individuals to clarify their personal
thinking and values within the context of a community of practice. It may also help communities or teams
discover shared meaning, to think coherently, and perhaps to act in ways that
serve the common good. Unlike a
discussion or debate, in dialogue there is no attempt to have any particular
point of view prevail. Rather dialogue
results in shared understanding without judgment. It is about building relationships, learning together and
exploring personal and community values.
Intent
Early in the creation of a dialogue group, a
agreement should be reached regarding its intent. This is important to avoid creating expectations that will go
unmet and subsequent disappointment and criticism. Ask the question, is the primary purpose of this work to make a
decision and/or take an action or, is the intent improved individual and
collective exploration and understanding of a situation (which may or may not
result in a decision or action). This
is important. If the primary intent is
exploration and learning through inquiry, dialogue is in order.
What is dialogue?
While the word “dialogue” is often used today as a
substitute for polite discussion or conversation, it is used here to signify a
specific discipline with a particular meaning and intent. A dialogue is a group communication process
in which participants practice certain techniques to enhance their individual
and collective learning. In dialogue
there is a shared commitment to inquiry without necessarily reaching a decision
or taking a specific action. In fact,
the expectation or even a hope that a decision will be achieved by consensus or
otherwise is enough to derail the dialogue process, especially among
beginners. This question of intent is
important and although you can’t force a dialogue to happen, you can provide an
environment in which people who truly desire to participate in a dialogue can
be supported and encouraged.
It may be useful to think about what a dialogue is
not. As stated above it is not a
decision-making process, although it can result in relationships among group
members that make decision-making much easier.
It is not a tool for planning action, yet it can produce the kind of
mutual respect and understanding that improves the likelihood of successful
group action. It is not led by any
single individual, however a facilitator is needed to help get it started and
guide the process.
The root of the word “dialogue” is from the Greek “dia” or through and “logos” or word, or
meaning. Therefore the dialogue
process is a stream of meaning that flows through and among the
participants. On the other hand, the
word “discussion” has the same root as the words percussion
and concussion. A useful image of a
discussion might be a ping-pong game using words that bounce back and
forth. Many so-called dialogues we have
in social situations end up in something of a parallel monologue, with each
participant speaking more than listening.
Be aware for example, if you find yourself preparing your reply to
someone else’s words while they are still speaking! This is very common.
So what is needed to get started? Participants need a clear understanding and
at least initial agreement on the intent of the dialogue. They should be prepared to make an
investment of a specific amount of time to the process of learning and
practicing dialogue.
And what happens in dialogue? As stated above, the primary purpose is
collective exploration of ideas and learning.
This happens when someone brings up a thought or feeling, another person
changes it and then still another connects it with a previous thought or
feeling. The thought/feeling flows in a
kind of participatory consciousness that may result in both individual and
collective learning over time. It
takes practice. In addition to the
group and individual learning, several other outcomes may result from the
process. Quite often, the dialogue
results in improved relationships among the participants as well as a sense of
shared meaning and mutual commitment to each other. But it isn’t always easy going. When people are involved in a dialogue about
something that is important to them they bring their whole bodies into the
conversation, their hearts pump faster, adrenalin races, stomachs knot,
shoulders tense. Participants get
angry, sad, confused and frustrated. If
members of the group can identify and share their thoughts as well as their
feelings, get help in this process from fellow members, and stay with it
long enough, a group consciousness may emerge.
Although this feeling of connectedness doesn't last, it can be a time of
rapid and marked learning.
While the purpose of dialogue is collective
exploration and learning, it is not necessary to avoid individual advocacy for
a particular idea or position, provided the purpose of the advocacy is to
further collective learning. Advocacy
is generally used for the purpose of convincing a group of the “rightness” of your own position. Even if this happens in a dialogue, the
outcome may be group learning if it is noticed - and the group explores the
underlying assumptions of the advocacy position. Acknowledging your ownership of your ideas and then temporarily
letting them go, will help the group learn together.
The process may begin with a group of diverse people
coming together for the purpose of joining in dialogue. While intent is a necessary ingredient, it
is insufficient in itself. The result
of unguided talk may be interesting conversation and perhaps individual
learning, but not necessarily dialogue.
If the group stays together without the tools of dialogue and continues
to explore differences of opinion, people may find themselves feeling
frustrated. Eventually the group may
dissolve in embarrassment or a sense of futility. Perhaps heated debate will produce smaller groups that cluster
around ideas or people with whom they agree, allowing the “us and them” blame-game to proceed in
comfort, but with little positive learning outcome. If enough people hang in and begin to search within themselves
for the source of their own personal discomfort or anger, a new kind of
conversation may begin to happen. By
working through the crisis of collective discomfort, a new sense of trust may
be forged by the group. This is more
likely to happen if the group practices one or more of the living techniques of
dialogue. The guidelines for the
practice are included below.
This introduction was adapted from: From;
Meditating Together, Speaking from Silence – Experiencing the Dharma in
Dialouge. Published by the Metta
Foundation. Author - Gregory Kramer;
310 NW Brynwood Lane, Portland OR 97229, (503)292-8550; greg@metta.org, and the Metta Foundation web
page at; http://www.metta.org/id/index.html
1.
Commit to process: Do the reading. Show up.
Be attentive.
2.
Pause-Relax-Open (PRO): Before you
speak, stop and breathe, and then open yourself to wonder and awe. Notice your body reaction.
3.
Trust Emergence: Allow whatever is supposed to
happen, to happen.
4.
Speak the truth: Listen deeply and speak from
the heart.
5.
Notice Inter-reactivity: Notice how others affect you and vice versa.
6.
Release roles: With humility, move beyond the
personality, titles and roles.
7.
Seek out assumptions: With
creativity, see beyond the assumptions.
8.
Observe judgments: Recognize the flow of
judgments that come to mind.
9.
Share background (parallel) thinking:
Become aware of the constantly arising stream of thoughts and feelings
and have the courage to share them.
|
1. Commit |
Be here! |
|
2. Pause - Relax – Open |
Did I stop before I spoke? Did I examine my thoughts and body
feelings? |
|
3. Trust emergence |
Do I have expectations of what people should say or
how this dialogue should be? |
|
4. Speak the Truth. |
Have I shared that which I want to share? Have I listened clearly to what others
have said? |
|
5. Notice Inter-reactivity |
Is my reaction to what is being said my “standard”
reaction? |
|
6. Release roles |
Do I have expectations of who other people are in
the dialogue? Am I playing a role
myself? |
|
7. Seek out assumptions |
Have I examined the assumptions that are under my
statements? |
|
8. Observe judgments |
Have I noticed when I am judging others? |
|
9. Share parallel thinking |
Am I willing to report on my parallel thoughts
with compassion? |
The following sections elaborate on these
guidelines….
Commitment is foundational to
Insight Dialogue. It has many levels and nuances.
At its most basic level, we commit to showing up for class and consistent
practice. Also, there is the commitment to notify the instructors if you must
miss a class. Obviously, we all live in the real world and conflicts may arise
so there is no expectation that one show up for each and every class. However,
as with any practice, certain difficulties lessen with a greater level of
participation, and consistent participation helps the group to form a level of
security and trust for greater sharing. If one picks up a musical instrument
only infrequently to practice, great results are not to be expected. Dialogue
practice holds to the same model. Practice fosters understanding and ease.
There is also a commitment to do the readings each week. That dosen’t mean skimming over them just
before class. You will not deepen your
understanding of these issues unless you study the materials and think about
them before class.
Over the course of an individual Insight Dialogue session and the process as a
whole, the entire spectrum of emotions may present themselves: interest and joy
may arise, and inevitably boredom, fatigue and restlessness. This is an
important time to apply commitment as these experiences can have a tendency to
reduce participation in a session or allow one to feed into the impulse to fill
the space brought on by the discomfort we are experiencing in the silence.
Again, look into presently arising experience. Speak from the space of
attending to the moment if you feel moved to.
It is a typical experience
to speak without thinking. We react quickly and this influences what we say and
the rapidity with which we say it. In Insight Dialogue we pause. Pausing is a prevalent
theme. Pause-Relax-Open is the core of the practice. It is in the pause that we
release attachment to what is actually arising in the present moment. We listen
deeply, becoming aware of our own reactions and the meaning of what is being
said. We respond when moved, without reactivity. We contemplate how the
dialogue unfolds as well as our relationship to it and the group.
Pause: We intentionally pause when someone else speaks. We also pause
before responding. Take a breath before
you speak. Look deeply at what is being
said or at what you are about to say. Notice what arises as you think these
words. Examine what their meaning is. Do you accurately understand the
experience that is being conveyed? Are you accurately describing your
experience?
Relax: When you pause, relax the body. Notice how the body reacts to all
thoughts. Let the mind and heart calm down. Take the time to think about what
has been said. Notice your body reactions.
Open: Expand your awareness from
mindfulness of your internal experience so that awareness encompasses the
dialogue and everyone in it. Contemplate what you have just heard or said. What
arises for you in the moment you speak? How does your experience change in the
ensuing pause?
3:
Trust Emergence
In Insight Dialogue there
are no goals or expected outcomes. The dialogue is a meditation practice and as
such stands on its own. Some sessions may be compelling and some may carry
extended periods of silence. There is no place to get and nothing to
accomplish, excepting awareness of the present moment. Calling this guideline
to mind, look for both obvious and subtle agendas that you may have. Notice how
sensations, emotions, and thoughts change from one moment to the next, a
constantly moving display of impermanence. Insight Dialogue, being a logical
extension of Insight Meditation, concerns itself with our presently arising
experience. It is a process of understanding the nature of suffering and of
bringing about its end through awareness, acceptance, and ease.
4.
Speak the Truth - Listen Deeply/Balance
When do we speak? When do we
listen? When do we assert and when do we inquire? This guideline speaks to
balancing speaking and listening as well as statements and questions. It is
normal for an imbalance in the number times individuals speak to arise. This
guideline in no way suggests that we must all speak equally. It is, however, a
practice that centers on relationship. A key aspect of this practice is being
aware of what arises in the moment as we relate to one another. We become aware
of the thoughts and feelings that come up and, as we are moved, we share what
arises. Awareness then continues after we have shared.
When a thought or feeling presents itself we can always observe and let go,
ignore, suppress, or just feel that this is not worth sharing. Have the
confidence to share those inner experiences that, for whatever reason, feel
right to share. They may be persistent. They may seem valuable to you or
others. They may sparkle with the light of recognition. One does not have to
defend such thoughts; they are spoken as the truth of that moment.
5:
Notice Inter-Reactivity
When people get together,
they stimulate each other in all kinds of ways. One person's anger begets
another person's fear; a compliment may arouse pride in one person and envy in
another. As you interact, observe this process in yourself and others. Noticing
inter-reactivity, relax and accept this experience and re-engage in a fresh
way. When people interact, dynamics of the human system can emphasize individual
personality traits. Such a system can even override an individual's normal ways
of behaving. This can be seen in all kinds of groups, from soccer games in
Latin America to corporate cultures and teenage parties. When inter-reactivity
unfolds automatically, personality habits are reinforced. This can be harmful
and run unchecked. This guideline reminds us to notice the mostly automatic
processes that arise between people.
This guideline also points to wholesome potentials. While inter-reactivity can
be mindless and unhealthy, it also reveals a healing truth: we are connected
and inter-dependent. We come to see that feelings and ideas that seemed
autonomous are really dependent upon human relationships. People form
complicated human systems, and this is the very nature of social life. This can
be noticed as it unfolds. We can work with it. We can learn to stimulate
kindness, trust, and caring in each other.
6:
Release Roles
In Insight Dialogue all
participants are peers. There is no hierarchy, with the exception of a
facilitator or teacher who may be present as the group learns. A participant
who is relatively silent throughout a session may have great insights with the
few words they say. Each thought in the dialogue should be given equal weight and
the attentiveness of the arising moment. This can be a very fruitful avenue of
exploration. Note how judgments and adherence to roles present themselves in
the moment.
This is also a particularly fruitful guideline to take into our everyday lives.
What boxes do we fit people into? How do we, ourselves, conform to roles that
are expected of us? In our verbal communications what patterns do we fall into?
How often our lives become if someone says "this", then I say
"that". These patterns often result in stagnation in our lives, and
worse still, sometimes outright animosity. They arouse discomfort in us and
have a tendency to undermine our relationships.
In the practice of Insight Dialogue we look attentively at how these roles
surface, and how we react to them. Through this process of recognition,
understanding, and acceptance we get closer to the roots of these patterns and
learn how we can shift to more honest and open interactions.
7:
Surface assumptions
Assumptions occur on many
levels. Some are blatant, such as stereotypes and gender biases. Some are
incredibly subtle, like assumptions regarding the meaning of words. To pose an
example, consider the word happiness. It is an assumption that this word holds
the same meaning for everyone. In Insight Dialogue we search the present moment
for any assumptions we may have. We search for assumptions in the words of the
other participants. They may be assumptions regarding the meaning of a specific
word or statement. They may be assumptions that arise regarding roles or any of
the multitudes of assumptions that we carry with us due to our particular
conditioning. Then with a mindful and compassionate heart we investigate or
reveal these previously invisible tangles of the mind. Ultimately, as a group
and as individuals perhaps we are able to suspend some assumptions and increase
our ability to approach the present moment freshly and openly.
8:
Observe judgments
The judging mind is well
known to meditators. A few moments of introductory meditation practice is likely
to reveal how our minds dart back and forth between like and dislike. We want
this and we don't want that. Judging occurs very quickly and like assumptions,
can occur on very subtle levels. It is important to keep in mind that judgments
occupy both positive and negative thoughts. Very often the body is an excellent
place to look for judgment. As I listen to what others say, what is occurring
in my body? As with the previous guideline we look within our own experience at
what is being said for judgments. With compassion and loving-kindness we seek
to reveal these judgments without heaping more judgment on top of it. We
practice investigation and equanimity.
9:
Share Background (Parallel) Thinking
Background thoughts are
thoughts that occur simultaneously with the main dialogue but do not
necessarily share the same topic. Background thoughts include, but are not
limited to, thoughts, questions, reflections on the process, emotions, feelings
and bodily sensations. An example of a background thought could be: "When
Gary said that I notice that I felt tightness in my back." Others might be
unspoken judgments or simply wandering thoughts. Notice these as they occur.
Examine your willingness to share or any aversion to sharing that may arise.
Examine your experience as you consider the appropriateness of sharing the
thought. It is not necessary to share all parallel thoughts, but do share those
that you are moved to.
There is an element of risk involved in sharing background thoughts. While it
may seem that they are 'off the topic,' they are as much a part of the
presently arising experience as anything else. What may seem to be 'off the
topic' can be a deep insight into the present moment conditioned by the
dialogue that has been going on.
As in all aspects of this practice we carefully attend to the present moment,
watching the arising and passing of experience. We pause and examine what has
arisen. We look at the intention or hesitancy to share it. We breath before
speaking, think about our words, examining the meaning of the words. Then we
speak and contemplate what we have said always attending to our present
experience.
Adapted from: http://www.metta.org/id/practice.html